Remembrance

Today is doubly sad to me. It was a sad anniversary already but also a very dear online friend has left us today. She had been suffering for a while. 

She testknit some of my designs and we had many things in common. Our love for dolls and knitting as well.

I had recently made a mini doll shawl based on a pattern in a book she gifted me. Now I am working on a big version with thoughts of her worked into every stitch. I knew this was coming but didn't think it would be so soon. 

I will miss you Kate, my dear friend. 

Voices

Voices voices in my Brain,
Always constant, still the same

Counting numbers, counting sheep
but the voices never cease
I just want to go to sleep.

Tossing and turning for hours and hours
Lying, thinking, need staying power
I just want to go to sleep

Will the memories never end?
Can I never turn that bend?
Will I never rest in peace?

Rest in Peace.

Inadequate

The Wheel of life slowly turns:

New year, new hope but all in vain.

All in vain.

Trying, striving, never winning:

Always useless.

The years go by, never changing:

Always worse.

I see ahead, I see what’s coming

I know this path is never ending.

Another lonely wasted day.

No achievements, never praise.

Waiting for the night to come

So I can sleep.

No peace for me, no new beginning.

Time goes by, the Wheel keeps spinning.

On and on and on.

Just let me sleep and never wake.

Error code F19

Sorry I haven't been able to write much recently. My washing machine broke on September 15th. 

I am supposed to have an insurance so called them. They don't even seem to know what the code means! No comment. I will never do this sort of insurance again I think the way it is going.

Just to cut a very long story short, I am still without a washing machine and today is November 8th! Absolutely disgusting in my opinion. 

Needless to say I am nearly killing myself by handwashing almost everything, and in sheer desperation I have asked my Bil if I can wash some things at his holiday house... 3 wash loads in nearly 2 months, again no comment. My washer usually goes at least every other day although I do always hand wash a lot of stuff! I am very tired with the whole situation. I don't think anyone understands the extreme stress this is causing. I could go to my DD's house but it is hard to get there and park, carry things, wait, and then return. Easier to handwash. I do not like to ask people. I hate having dirty washing. 

Talking about washing, I took some baby things, I made with love, to my Dil. She told me she will wash them in the washing machine and then steam iron for "bacteria"! I had made the things with love, hand washed and dried and blocked where necessary. 
 Thank goodness I hadn't made her a wedding ring shawl like the one I made for my DD's daughter's baptism. I so very nearly did. Not the same but similar, as usual for me exclusive. That would have been to throw out!

 My Mum sent me the Jamieson's cobweb yarn after DD got married. I will make my younger DD one while I am still capable of creating something like that. When she is old enough to marry I may not be able to knit this sort of thing, who knows. If I am here.

I am feeling so depressed. Tired. I am trying to keep the house clean and tidy, feeling frustrated with the washing machine thing and getting tired. Feeling inadequate. Useless.

Maybe fortunately I showed my sister-in-law the baby things and she said they were lovely. Unusual to have positive comments from them. Wants to make a babyblanket like the one I have named for this new DGD. Some small consolation. 

Yes because I am crazy enough to create an exclusive design with the name and publish it as I did with my first Granddaughter. 

I saw my son yesterday for the first time since April 10th. I have so rarely seen him since he was married. Not even the fingers of a hand.
 Is this life? 

Fallin Apart

Fallin Apart: "Fallin to pieces." My latest design, almost ready to publish. Wonder just how much it reflects my mood.

Fall winds and falling leaves,

Am I just falling apart?

So tired recently. Seems everything is going wrong. I know I am neglecting this blog but just don't seem to have the energy to update. Life has been tough and various problems are around.
Tired, just tired.

One Month

One month today. Strange how life goes on. Strange just how much it means to me. Too much pain, not understood. I still have the thing that I think I must tell her this that and the other. When we are so far apart it just doesn't seem real. 
I think of how it would have been here, so quick, then a church service today, the ricordini, flowers....nothing. No news, just nothing, just  vuoto, nulla.
I can only try to come to terms with this alone, as usual, alone. Always alone.

No one understands. No one can understand. 

It's Snowing!

Come to sunny Italy and see the snow today! Don't laugh but our schools are closed tomorrow for the bad weather!

It has been a few years since we last had snow in the village. My snow Fairies must have been doing their work brewing up a snowstorm! Lol!

Remembering going to school in the wilds of Northumberland when I was small, standing shivering and stamping my feet waiting for the bus to arrive. Drying wet mittens near the fireplace. So many memories so long ago! This just makes me laugh!

 I never did really like the snow so much. While it is beautiful to look at it isn't so nice when you have to go to work or to school!

I haven't written much on here recently as I have been so busy. 

My decluttering is still progressing. Slowly and surely I will get there. I got down under the stairs cleaned with a bit of help from my youngest DD!

My dining room looks almost empty without all the clutter

Depression rears its ugly head at times. Other family problems arise and life seems so tough. We will overcome somehow. Just as finances seem to be ok new things come up. Seems I am fighting a never-ending battle here. I don't know what to cut down on anymore. 

My weight loss has slowed as well. I am at stage where it is hard to lose even a little bit and seems useless trying. However I console myself that I have lost 14 kilos since October. It seems no one else even notices. 
The trousers that didn't fit me then now don't fit me anymore, they were too small, now they are too big! I feel a lot better physically as well but oh it is so hard! Anyway 3 kilos to go and I will reach my ideal weight supposedly! keep your fingers crossed for me!

What has been happening in your "neck of the woods"? 

Decluttering Mania.

Yesterday afternoon, while my DH had gone to look for mushrooms, I just sat on the divan and cried. It was so frustrating to want to do things and not physically be able to.

 I used to be able to sit for ages on the floor. Now after only a short while I have difficulty getting up. It is scarey. 

Why did I let the house get this way instead of sorting things out while I was fitter?

 Why did I listen to my kids when they said to leave their things where they were and they would come over and sort through them? Days turned into months and now years. 

The pile of books and paper waiting to be picked up on Thursday is increasing. I sorted through old school books upon the top floor and my DH took them downstairs for me. I must admit that without his help I couldn't have managed it. Too many trips up and down stairs. As it is my muscles are hurting so much. The next big project here will to get myself back into a fit shape again if I can. I am just physically going downhill so fast it is ridiculous. Depressing.

I was playing a FB game again on Monday:

(yes I know you are thinking that that is why I never get things done in the house!)

Which Greek goddess do you resemble? I got Mania: Chaos! Lol!

She was the goddess of madness according to friend Google. I think I need to find who was the Goddess of tidiness and sanity and follow her!

My friend Mr (or is it Mrs?) Google informs me that she is called Hygieia. The word Hygiene comes from her name. I could really have just asked my younger DD who has loved Greek mythology since I bought her a child's version of the Odyssey when she was in elementary school.

Well lets see if I can transform myself into Mrs Hygieia. I see this one as being difficult!

C.h.a.o.s. = Can't have anyone over syndrome is one I have been suffering from for a while!

I was amazed to see a book on how to declutter on the best sellers list! Reading the reviews about it I don't think it is for me. I really don't want to live in a minimalist house. That doesn't seem a home to me but a show room. My hoarding tendancies are still too strong for that. I always have the thought “what if I need it?” when I throw something out. Waste not want not has been too thoroughly engrained in my being.

It needs a happy balance. A home should be something we are comfortable in. 

Well I am off to my new day job. General cleaning and washing today. I am going to clean the house for Mrs P! Put my timer on for the first hour. If I could only afford it I would actually pay myself. Well I will work on that one as well!

More beautiful Porcini mushrooms.

Edible Funghi

And how are you?

And how are you?......."Fine thanks."  I answer.

How am I? Gob-smacked. Worried. Feeling useless. When you receive bad news it is hard to know what to answer. Now here I am again unable to sleep and writing on this waiting for the tran tran of the day to begin. I am going to feel absolutely awful later on. Enough of that.

Life has been hectic recently. Still trying to get into the rhythm of the new school year. DD goes to school from 8 am to 2 pm  Monday to Friday and from 8 am  to 1 pm on Saturday. DH takes her by car. My nephew travels with them although he gets out of school an hour earlier he still gets home far quicker than waiting for the bus. Paying for the fuel is cheaper for us than if she takes the school bus. It also saves them a couple of hours travelling time.It means I am out a lot.

This is a year she will have to study far more than last year. She also has different teachers for some subjects and new ones added. It is a key year. Lets hope things go smoothly and I can follow her. She is always the one who gets neglected for other family problems.

The price of books this year has been ridiculous. When I went to school in England text books were provided by the school and returned at the end of the year. Trying to give the kids a school education here is so expensive. Now DH has retired it is even harder than it was when the older two went to school. I don't know how some families manage. Then they wonder why kids drop out of school!

The weather has turned really hot again putting a temporary end to my attempt to declutter. A few last days of summer. 40°c and my feet and legs are swollen again. Especially my right foot. I should have some tests done I suppose but there have been just too many expenses lately and also unexpected bills on top! I will just have to wait till next month yet again. It will be my blood pressure that is too high as it increases with stress and this is a bad spell. At least now at 5am it is cooler. I think the weather has changed and I will soon feel better.

Early morning ramblings. My time for me. No need to pretend to smile. It is so dark outside right now. Totally black although it is 5.15am. Must be cloudy as there isn't a star to be seen in the night sky. I can't take the dog out.

I have finished a new doll pattern. It is already being test knit. Now I have the usual sensation of emptiness before I start something else! Many ideas but little time.
 To cheer myself up I will add the photo here. I hope to publish it as soon as possible.

My Ivy doll is so cute in this isn't she? Today is the first day of Autumn and she is all ready for the cooler weather.

What have you been busy doing?

Early Morning Musings.

Dark side of theMoon.

Frustration, feeling inadequate, failure. Early morning, too early to go out yet, tired of tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. Dark nights, dark thoughts.

Yesterday was hot. Too hot to get anything done. Another day wasted.

Dogs barking in the distance. I wonder what they are barking at. Maybe a wild pig, there are several around. Something to be careful about if I go out early. My dog is peacefully sleeping here. He only barks if there is someone around that shouldn't be there.

The owl is hooting, calling softly to her mate. Comforting usual sound to me. There is a big owl which sits on our roof most nights. I have never really seen it, just the shadow as it passes, but my inlaws can see it from across the road. They do the sign of the cross if they see one! My Sil said it is ok for me, they bring good luck where they perch but are unlucky to see! Strange superstitions. I love owls.

No crickets tonight. Maybe cooler weather today.

Total silence. So rare that it is so quiet here. The only sound I hear are my fingers moving over the computer keys. 4.30am. In half an hour there will be people moving around already. The church clock gives a lone strike. Two minutes different from the time on my computer.

A cock crows! Hey it is still night here! Early bird. Won't be dawn for a while yet! According to the official tables the sun should rise at 6.19am and set at 19.30, giving us a day of 13.11 hours! 

A car starts up in the distance. I get the lead and take the dog out. Better to get moving while the air is cool.

Day has come. 

I Will Survive Depression!

I was playing one of those silly Facebook games today:

 “Which legendary song best describes your life?” 

 I got:  “I Will Survive.”  That is so suitable. Survival.

A few years ago I was feeling really low.  Yes, I know I didn't have all the problems many folks have, that there are so many people in far worse situations. 

That knowledge still didn't help the fact that I was seriously depressed, suffering from anxiety attacks and feeling down. I jumped every time the phone rang. Life just seemed to be throwing one thing after another at me. I was almost to the point of giving up. It was that bad. I was just tired, tired, tired. Tired of having to cope with things. Tired of just sitting crying. I am still not really totally over this. Tears spring to my eyes as I am writing and remember. Oblivion often seems so attractive.

I had to pull myself out of it. I needed to grasp a safety line and hold on. I didn't start taking medicine, instead I turned to my knitting. I knit my way out of depression one stitch at a time.

The sheer automatic act of knitting is smoothing. The mental process of calculating stitches and patterns is stimulating. It keeps the brain occupied and is calming. I later found there are many research projects on how knitting therapy is successful!

I did test knits for other designers on Ravelry. I found controlling for errors fascinating but then I started designing my own things. I started knitting things for my dolls. They never protest and always wear what I make them with a smiling face! Lol! Nothing worse than knitting something that isn't appreciated!

Making my own knitted items comes easily to me but I found writing them down was far more complicated! I had to learn a whole lot of new things. Stimulating for the brain.

Although I would never be like one of the Stepford housewives, I knew I wasn't really useless and inadequate. I wasn't just a bad housewife and mother unable to keep things under control. I was not and didn't want to become a robot.

Even though people around me would never appreciate what I knit there were many others who did! The best part was when I received positive online feedback. So nice to feel I was capable of creating something others admired and wanted to copy!

Life is just too short to waste time trying to conform to doing what others think you should. Although I do try to keep the house clean and tidy, I will never be able to match up to the ridiculous standards some set. Cleaning all the windows and polishing doorknobs everyday is just not life in my opinion! (I had a neighbour who literally did that!)

I can't be a slave waiting on others. I have one life and need to do the things I want to while I can. The years go by so quickly.

So if you are feeling down and lonely, try picking up some yarn and start knitting. It might work for you as well!

Have you ever dealt with depression and anxiety attacks? How did you cope?

Has anyone else used knitting to overcome depression?

I would love to hear from you.